I’ll admit that this post doesn’t have much to do with Southeast Asia in particular, but has a more international aspect. Or, you might say, universal. This entry is going to be about life choices – the decisions that we make and live with, their effect on our own lives and those around us, and just how we come to the conclusions that we do.
Living for the brief time that I have in Hong Kong, I can tell you emphatically that there are different ways of thinking about the same topic. However, the topics themselves seem to be human and cross-cultural. The approaches are different, however, and for different reasons. As I learn to speak Chinese, I am gaining some insight into the ways in which Chinese thought differs from American thought. Which has made me, along with my age, consider the age old question of children.
To have or not to have, that is the question.
Why is it that when people, especially, it seems, women, ask the question – “What is the meaning of my life?” – the answer is almost invariably marriage and child-rearing. Is that all there is? I ask in my fake German accent? Because if that’s all there is, then let’s keep dancing.
At the bottom of it, I suppose the meaning of life really is wrapped up in the begetting of other life. In the end, life is all about life. However, since we are not a species that plays by the “rules” laid down by nature, I don’t see why we adhere so vehemently to this one. We don’t eat raw meat, or kill each other randomly, or suffer the ill fate of destiny as easily as we submit to the credo that ONE MUST HAVE CHILDREN. Or else? Well, from first-hand experience I can tell you that the or-else goes something like this.
1. Your life is, ultimately, meaningless should you fail to bring forth life from your womb or your loins. You have failed in the most important task. (I should note that at least I have a choice and am bringing this judgment upon myself. What about the people who desperately wanted children, but couldn’t have them? Are their lives still meaningless? Should they be peppered with questions about their lack of children?)
2. You are, above everyone else, the most selfish person on the planet. How dare you not have children? Who do you think you are? What are you doing that is so special that it’s important that you not have them? (What about people who have children and can’t afford them – either financially or emotionally? Are they selfish?)
3. You are egotistical beyond belief. What makes you think you are doing anything intrinsically important? (Let’s not even get into the people who erroneously believe that they can pass down their looks, intelligence, or kindess to their offspring. Genetics don’t exactly work like that – but then, that’s an entirely different lecture.)
4. You are misguided about life and the value of having children. You must hate children and you are evil incarnate. (I don’t hate children, in fact I like them. Just as long as they GO HOME at the end of the day. I’m also the first person to be a proponent of higher tax rates for better education. I am concerned with all children, not just my own non-existent ones.)
Today, kids are overscheduled and overplanned and overvalued (yes, I said it). It’s not helping anyone to obsess over children. I understand the wish to make your children’s lives resemble the ones that you didn’t have – idyllic, happy, filled with joy and contentment. The trouble is, well, have you seen the world?
Pollution is taking over. Just come to Hong Kong and get a whiff of the fresh air to get my drift. Water and oil supplies will eventually dwindle if we keep up the consumption without sustainment. There aren’t enough good jobs to go around. And just because you have one, doesn’t mean your child will. (In fact, it is projected that our parents were the last generation which will actually do better than their parents. We are fated to wait until they all die to collect the houses and the money. Most of us won’t be able to match their lifestyles.) Education is so elusive and expensive that if I did have children, I would threaten to homeschool them. Media and culture place claims on children today that we NEVER had. And I know every generation says this, but I think that ours can actually make the claim. For instance, when I was watching MTV, they banned a Duran Duran video because a woman rode a shaving foam covered candy cane suggestively. Now, every video out has something suggestive in it. I think that now you have to kill someone in a video to get banned, but I’m not sure.
Does this mean that I think other people shouldn’t have children? That they are all crazy?
Absolutely not.
I just want the choice to be my own and for it to be accepted. I don’t comment on people’s choice to have children, but most people feel free to comment on my lack of them. Which is strange really.
When I voiced my opinion in class the other day that I felt having a maid, a nanny, and a driver would be uncomfortable for me, one of the women piped up with, “That’s because you don’t have children.” No, that’s because I have a brain and can think. Millions of women have children and don’t have the luxury of a nanny. They – gasp – do it themselves.
When it comes right down to it, we all make choices. For me, the choice not to have children has become a difficult one, mainly because of the pressure that society subtly puts on those of us who are childless. As the sesame street song says, one of these things is not like the others, and that’s me.
Someday, I might regret not having children, I don’t know. But then again, the people that had them might come to regret that decision as well. Though they would never admit it. My relationship with my parents was less than idyllic – which probably has a lot to do with my feelings about this topic – but it also goes to show that the myth of the perfect family is just that – a myth.
One of my friends actually asked me what I planned to do when I got older. There would be no one to look after me. I reminded her of her own lack of enthusiasm for visiting her mother and asked if she would house her mom when she got older. I got blank space as an answer. (Not to mention the fact that if I live my life correctly, then I will have good friends of all ages who might choose to check in on me from time to time.)
So, when we are both in the old folks’ home, I’ll invite her over to mine to watch the flat-screen television and lounge in my leather rocker. Because I might not have children to visit me, but I’ll sure as hell have more money.
Recent Comments