Houseguest Rules

Since it’s the summer season, when a lot of people travel and are trying to travel on the cheap, I decided to ruminate about houseguest etiquette. The same rules generally apply to everyone – whether or not they are family, friends or just acquaintances who took you up on that offer to “visit sometime”. I try to follow these rules whenever I’m visiting someone, and definitely put them in place when I’m hosting. Or, more honestly, I attempt to.

First off, it should be noted that living in a city that people actually want to visit is both a blessing and a curse. If you live in New York City or Paris, as just two examples, you are guaranteed to have all of your friends and family visit you. Really, this is code for “we want to go to Paris” or “I need a vacation”. You are the acting hotelier, make no mistake about it. Oh, sure, you are PART of the appeal, but not all of it, or sometimes even most of it. After all, people can see you at other events – holidays, parties, weddings, etc. And if you lived in East-of-Nowhere, South Dakota, no one would ever find the time, money or inclination to visit you at all. Trust me. So, if you happen to live in a cool city, or by a beach, or in the mountains during ski season, then you will have to grin-and-bear your loved ones.

1. Never assume that you can stay anywhere/anytime/for as long as you want. People have their own lives that will not stop just because you happen to be on vacation. People also have, especially as we all age, partners and husbands and dogs and kids that make hosting you more difficult. Ask before you assume.

2. Give the host at least three weeks to prepare for your arrival. Hell, tell them months in advance for safety. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, give someone a day’s notice that you will be staying with them. Or, for that matter, even a week. Unless you like sleeping in dirty sheets and using stale towels.

3. Bring a gift/leave a gift. Please. Either one. Choose. You can even ship them something after you get home.

4. Buy a meal. This goes a long way to smoothing over the fact that you are mucking up their space and time. Good food and drinks can appease just about any host. You should at least get a good meal out of driving someone around sight-seeing for three days.

5. Never use the soap/loofah/razor that is in their shower. That’s just gross. And it’s rude. No one wants to find a mystery pube on their Dove. No one. (Side note: toothpaste, shampoo and liquid soap use are negotiable, but make sure to ask first.)

6. Turn your cell phone off during dinner/before bed. There’s nothing like being woken up at 3am by someone calling from London to ruin all the good will you’ve procured paying for dinner.

7. Be prepared to go off on your own. Don’t expect someone to babysit you. In other words, buy a guide, do some research, take public transport or rent a car (if applicable). Getting out of your host’s hair for awhile is always a good idea.

8. Say what you want to do; don’t wait to be entertained. There’s nothing worse than a guest that always answers, “I don’t know. You choose.” to the question, “What do you want to see/do today?”

9. If you have weird quirks or simple preferences – you’re allergic to down, you’re a vegetarian, you hate being in the sun – try to deal with them on your own. Bring allergy medicine, be prepared to order the salad at the steak restaurant, and bring sunblock and a parasol. Don’t make your agenda/needs into everyone else’s.

10. MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL: Leave after 3 days. That old adage is true: houseguests, like fish, start to smell after three days.

I hope this helps. And Beck, I still owe you some wine for hosting us in May. Sorry, my bad.

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