It’s my birthday tomorrow, and that always makes me think more than usual about things. Like life, the meaning of it, the purpose of my own, how much time has gone by in a flash, how much time I might have left. You know, the small stuff.
When I was younger, I used to think that people over 30 really had it figured out. I also thought they were close to death, being so old and all, so I respected them. They had things like houses, and small children, and jobs. Plus, they actually got to do what they wanted, they didn’t have to be in by 10pm, and they didn’t have parents. Or, at least it seemed to me like they didn’t, because I almost never saw anyone over 30 with their parents. My dad avoided his mother like a hiker avoids poison oak. You might have to see it on a trail now and then, but overall you keep your distance and a watchful eye.
Now that I am turning 3-oh-plus-6 (god, it makes me gag to think of it), I realize that grown-ups don’t necessarily know what the hell they’re doing. In fact, the older that I get, the more older friends that I have, the more I can tell you younger people out there that NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Not really, anyway. We “wing it”. We “do our best”. We “get insomnia”. We “have drinking problems”. We “take Xanax”. We learn to “deal” with the panic that comes from the realization that we just don’t always know what the best choices are, what to do, or where we are going.
That’s the cold, hard truth of it. It’s just that some people are better fakers. They learned a long time ago that false confidence still looks like confidence to the rest of the world, so that’s their gig. Think of all those people who ran Enron into the ground, or Bear Stearns. They seemed like they knew what they were doing, right? Nope. Not really.
In that vein, I’d like to post a letter to my teenage self. Say, oh, at sixteen. To tell myself some stuff that I should have known 20 years ago. It would have saved me some time, I think. But, then again, I always did have to learn my lessons the “hard” way.
Dear Pretty, Young Thing, [it was the 80s after all]
I’m you. Just older. And for your sweet sixteen, before you go off to your birthday party, I’d like you to know some things about life.
First off, boys. You will be kissed. Guys will like you. You will date. A lot. You don’t have to worry about things like this. You’ll have sex before you are old and gray, you don’t need to use 2 condoms “just in case” [this is actually a bad idea and more unsafe], and you won’t know what you’re doing until you’re at least 24, so until then, just learn to “wing it”.
Don’t have sex with just anyone. Or with football players, or hockey players, or “players” period. They suck and they are immature. Be more choosy. You have oodles of time. See note one about not knowing what you’re doing anyway until 24.
Take a year off during college. Seriously. Go abroad. Work. Go to China. Volunteer. Go to France. See something. Honestly, you’ll thank me. The world doesn’t care if you graduate at 22. They care they you know something about anything other than yourself, dating, beer kegs, and navel-gazing.
Learn another language well. No, seriously. Not just for tests. See note above. And for god’s sake, don’t choose French again. You’ll never use it.
Stop reading fashion magazines. You don’t have to look like that to get a boyfriend or to be happy. Plus, you can’t look like that anyway. You are NOT FAT. Stop dieting.
Don’t listen to gossip about you. Ever. People suck, they get insecure and jealous, and they say nasty things in order to feel good about themselves. If you must, listen to harmless gossip, but be smart about it. Never repeat anything.
Study, but don’t obsess about your grades. They’ll get you into a good school, but getting into a good school is just the first step. Creativity is more valued than knowing what year the Magna Carta was signed. Trust me.
Relax. Life is hard, but you make it harder by being hard on yourself. There are things you can’t control, like the economy or how much tax you have to pay. There are things you can, like how much you freak out about losing your job or how much tax you have to pay. [Can you tell I just filled out my taxes?]
Figure out what you like. Not what other people tell you that you SHOULD like. If you like pink, wear it. Even if red is “in”. If you like science, become a scientist. Even if someone thinks you are good at “art”. If you like collecting Barbies, then do it. Keep it a secret, but do it. [After all, I'm not telling you to commit social suicide, here.]
Everyone is scared.
No one knows what they are doing.
People over 30 are just like the people they were at 16, with more responsibilities. [Watch High School Reunion on the Hallmark Channel for proof when you're older.]
Most importantly, avoid dating Brook. He’s a dick.
Love,
Your 36-year-old self
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