Does Spoiling Your Kids Heal Your Own Childhood Scars?

Now that I’m in my 30s, most of my friends have at least one child. Most have more than one. I, however, remain on the fence with my biological clock ready to push me firmly into either camp. I remain decidedly undecided about the prospect of having my own, for several reasons.

When I was younger, I never fantasized about having a baby or getting married. I was more into playing with Barbie than with dolls. Barbie was something I thought I could become (which is another problem altogether), and I seemed to skip that age-old process of fetishizing motherhood that goes along with being a girl. Heck, even my Barbies remained committedly single, and played the Ken field.

Also, American mothers don’t exactly make it look good these days. Is it me, or are people collectively more into their children in the 00s than parents were in the 70s? I just watched a documentary on Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt, and one of their sons remarked that he recalled fondly every single day he spent with his parents, since it was so rare. That kind of parenting would be akin to child abuse today. I see some of my friends carting their children to and from music lessons and soccer practice, play dates and birthday parties, and I wonder how much energy – if any – they have left for themselves. They tell me, quite adamantly, that it’s worth it. But I remain skeptical.

I also remember all the things my friends wanted to do before they had children, and I don’t see many of them doing any of them. No novels, no paintings, no political careers. Now, I realize that some people manage to carry on with their lives and raise happy children. I just don’t see many people actually DOING that. Mostly, I see people either using their children as a quite valid excuse for not dreaming big for themselves anymore, or people who have simply moved on from and/or have forgotten their own dreams. Sometimes I think that if I don’t have a child by choice, that my substitute will be a dedication to producing something else – like a body of work that’s worth a damn. It seems to be a “production choice” one has to make these days – a baby or a book. Because let’s face it, you can’t really do it all. At least not well.

But perhaps the most striking thing that makes me hesitate about joining the parental ranks is that kids just seem plain spoiled these days. I worry that my own brand of mothering might be considered, well, lacking. I know myself, and I wouldn’t bake a 2-year-old a fantastically designed cake (that she won’t remember) or commit myself to being a perpetual kid chauffeur (for which she wouldn’t really be grateful). I know that, for the most part, I would still put myself and my husband-to-be first. Oh, we’d love our child, but not in the “weekly trips to Chuck-E-Cheese” way. In the old-fashioned way, where the kid was expected to leave mommy alone when she was working on her book. Like Eleanor Roosevelt, I would hope to remain myself first, mommy second.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends are trying to heal old wounds. Not many of us had perfect childhoods. And with all the gifts, activities, trips, clothes, toys that they give to their own children, I wonder if it is comforting to them, if it eases their inner 10-year-old. Because I don’t think that their kids particularly care if they have seen France by age 8, or have a baseball diamond constructed in the backyard.

Back in Indiana, I had more fun with sticks and leaves than any kid today would think was humanly possible. Maybe that is where I got my imagination. I didn’t have 9000 toys, and I was allowed to get bored. And to de-bore myself. I remember being told to entertain myself, and I did. Oh, sure, I resented it at times, but I learned the lesson that I was responsible for myself. Thank god, since my own mother died so early that if I had been overly attached, it might have literally killed me. (I’d be smoking meth right now, I’m almost certain.)

My own childhood sucked in many ways. It did – I won’t lie. But would I feel better trying to concoct the ‘perfect’ family now? Would I? Again, I remain dubious.

Maybe by trying to give our children everything, we err on the side of excess. Maybe they will be lacking coping skills as adults. Maybe they will feel entitled to accolades and praise all their lives – by doing nothing more than what they should be doing. Maybe, ironically, they will be less happy later in their lives because of all we seem hell-bent on doing to make them happy now.

Maybe there is no winning. Maybe kids are going to get scars no matter what we do. But it seems to me that there should be some middle ground. A space where we can be good parents without sacrificing ourselves. A space where we don’t end up living vicariously through our children.

We are their role models; do we really want them to grow up – especially the girls – thinking that their lives are just about growing up, getting a job, getting married, and then being parents? Isn’t there something else? Or, in a German accent, “Is zat all der ist?”

I do have one friend – one of my best friends – that has managed to open her own successful business with 2 small children in tow. I don’t know how, but she makes it work. Oh, sure, her marriage stinks, but I think it always did. Her kids aren’t spoiled. They don’t take a lot of vacations. They don’t go on play dates every ten minutes. They don’t have elaborate birthday parties. Often, they are asked to play by themselves in a supervised setting, entertaining themselves. They don’t have a ton of money, but they are making it work. She is finding herself again, and it’s wonderful to see. She stopped worrying about whether she was a good-enough mother, a good-enough wife, and a good-enough artist and just built her own world with her own rules. And, in the end, her kids seem perfectly well-adjusted. They are great kids – the best I know. (Although maybe it’s genetics, since she was a great kid, too. She was the “good kid” my mom used as a comparison for me when she was exasperated with my behavior.)

My only worry is that I wouldn’t be like her. And that my own children would need therapy. And continue the cycle.

If I don’t have a kid, if that’s the choice I’m making, then at least I’ll have a life of my own. That’s the compromise I’m making with myself. But, as that amazing friend above also pointed out to me:

“Extraordinary lives have exorbitant prices.”

I just need to work out if I’m willing and able to pay for one.

10 Ways to Raise a Spoiled Child

Plus tips to reverse the damage by fine-tuning your approach to child discipline

By Sherry Rauh
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Charlotte E. Grayson Mathis, MD

When you picture a spoiled child, you may think of a kid with a house full of extravagant toys. But child discipline experts say its behaviors — not possessions — that define the spoiled child.

“A spoiled child is one who’s demanding, self-centered, and unreasonable,” says Harvey Karp, MD, creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book. He tells WebMD spoiled children may be easier to get along with when they get their way, but giving in to their demands ultimately makes them feel isolated and confused. “There is a seed of discontent that you sow when you allow a child to be spoiled,” he says. “They’ve used so much manipulation to get what they want, they don’t know when someone is genuinely giving to them.”

Psychologist Ruth A. Peters, PhD, author of the child discipline manual Laying Down the Law, agrees. “Spoiling doesn’t prepare them for anything but heartache later in life,” she says, adding that a spoiled child typically grows into a spoiled adult, and spoiled adults have trouble maintaining a job, a spouse, and friendships.

So how can you tell if you’re spoiling? Read on to learn 10 common mistakes parents make that can allow a child to become spoiled. If some of these sound familiar, don’t worry — it’s never too late to change course.

1. Making Your Child the Center of the World

Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavioral Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. “Children need to understand give and take,” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”

2. Ignoring Positive Behavior

Today’s busy parents may not notice when children play quietly or stay out of trouble. If you never let them know when you are pleased, Karp says, you miss the opportunity to reinforce positive behavior.

3. Accidently Rewarding Negative Behavior

Karp tells WebMD many parents make the mistake of simultaneously ignoring the positive and rewarding the negative. If you only notice your kids when they whine and cry, you send the message that tantrums and tears are the best way to get your attention.

4. Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature — part of your job as a parent is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.

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5. Not Enforcing Rules Consistently

While some parents fail to set limits, others set “mushy or inconsistent” ones, Karp says. This occurs when you tell your kids, “Don’t do that,” but allow them to do it anyway. Examples of inconsistent limits are allowing your toddler to play with his food on some days but not on others or allowing an older child to violate her curfew when you just can’t muster the energy to fight about it. If you don’t enforce rules consistently, you give your child the message that they’re really not that important. And of course what you really want to teach your child is the opposite.

6. Picking Fights You Can’t Win

“You can win the battle of not giving your child candy,” Karp says, so no-candy rules are worth upholding. But there are many other standards that are much harder to enforce — such as making your child eat broccoli. “They can close their mouths or spit it out,” Karp points out. In cases like this, you are destined to lose the battle before it begins. And unfortunately, the consequences of this loss go far beyond wasted broccoli — picking fights you can’t win proves to your kids that they can defy you and get away with it.

7. Not Holding Your Child Accountable

Refusing to hold your child accountable when he does something wrong sends the message that he never makes a mistake, Buttross says. This teaches your child to blame others whenever problems arise. Instead, teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for his own actions and then user firm boundaries to make sure he does so.

8. Giving Your Child Gifts for the Wrong Reasons

What you buy your children is not as important as why, Peters tells WebMD. She cautions against making “unreasonable” purchases, such as buying your child a new bike because she is bored with the one you bought her a few months ago.

Another common mistake is buying out of guilt, Karp says. When a child makes a pitiful face or says, “You’re the worst mother in the world,” this is not the time to buy a gift. Allowing yourself to be manipulated won’t do your kid any favors. She may get what she wants, but her joy will be diminished in knowing that you bought the gift because she goaded you into it.

9. Giving in to Temper Tantrums

Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit — which is not how things work in the real world. “If you throw a temper tantrum as an adult, bad things happen,” Peters points out.

10. Acting Like a Spoiled Child Yourself

How you interact with your family serves as a model for how your children will behave with others, Karp says. “If you whine and complain in front of [your kids], they will emulate that.” He says the proverb has it right — “They do what you do, not what you say.”

Spoiled for Life

Spoiling has consequences that go beyond the immediate trouble of managing an unruly, spoiled child. It sets up patterns that can last a lifetime.

“Probably one of the greatest disadvantages that spoiled children face is the fact that they have not learned to work for something that they really want,” Buttross tells WebMD. “There is no work ethic, no lesson to really strive for something.”

Since spoiled people get what they want through manipulation, they develop “a dysfunctional way of relating to people,” Karp says. “Those habits can take 10 years of therapy to break.”

Reforming a Spoiled Child

Don’t panic if you’re just realized your child may be on the path to becoming spoiled. Child discipline experts say you can repair the damage.

“Tell your child the truth,” Peters advises. “Say, ‘I’ve blown it’ and explain why there are going to be some changes.” When setting new rules, be clear about the consequences. “The less nagging, the more action, the better.”

The experts we consulted suggest the following strategies to get a spoiled child back on track:

• Set consistent limits — Give your child clear rules and boundaries. If you decide to bend a rule every now and then, explain that it is a special exception.
• Establish consequences for breaking the rules – Consequences can range from revoking privileges to confiscating a favorite possession.
• Create incentives for good behavior – Depending on your child’s age, you may want to try a “star chart.” The child gets stars for good behavior, with 10 stars earning a coveted prize.
• Teach that giving is as important as receiving – Encourage your children to participate in activities that help others. Take them shopping to choose gifts for friends and family members.
• Help your child learn to take “no” for an answer — If you have decided to decline your child’s request, don’t let temper tantrums or any other form of manipulative behavior change your mind.
• Be a positive role model — Show respect and consideration toward others and your child will follow your lead.

Toddler Tips

If your chld is in the under-three age bracket, it may not be time to worry yet. “It’s common in the beginning of the toddler period for kids to have some of the characteristics of being spoiled,” Karp says, “but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are.” In The Happiest Toddler on the Block, he explains that toddlers are primitive and uncivilized, like little “cavemen.”

In addition to clear limits and positive role models, toddlers need a crash course in civilized behavior. “Think of yourself as an ambassador from the 21^st century to the Neanderthal people,” Karp suggests. This means you must learn to speak your child’s language and respectfully show him your ways. A couple of Karp’s tips for taming toddlers:

• The fast food rule – When you order food at the drive through, the cashier always repeats your order to let you know she got it right. Karp recommends doing this with frustrated toddlers. Before reprimanding them, “first repeat back what they want. Say, ‘You really want that ball? You’re mad that Billy took it away? OK, but that voice hurts my ears.’” This lets them know you empathize with them, while conveying that whining is unacceptable.
• Catch them being good – Acknowledge your toddler’s accomplishments throughout the day, whether it’s stacking blocks or sharing a toy with a sibling. This will help identify positive behaviors, rather than just singling out negative ones.

Lifelong Benefits

Maintaining a consistent and effective approach to child discipline isn’t easy, but it bestows lifelong benefits. “You raise a child who is loving and self-loving, who empathizes with others, who is honest and not manipulative,” Karp says. “You teach them how to pick their friends and their spouses, because if they learn how respectful people communicate, they’ll look for that in their own relationships.”

The next time your child throws a tantrum at the supermarket or tries to guilt you into bending the rules, think about the long-term consequences of giving in. But don’t worry about being perfect all the time. Karp says the overall pattern is more important than any given moment. “Do it right 80% of the time and you’ll end up with a really good kid.”