You Heard it Here First – a Prediction about Obama as President

I like Obama. Not as much as Hilary, but there you go. I also like John McCain.

I am, however, sick of hearing about “change”.

I’m even more sick of hearing about “hope”.

These are, for the most part, empty rhetorical devices, bandied about by people who want to get elected into the hot seat that is the American Presidency. Why anyone would want to be president right now is beyond me, but that’s a topic for another debate. (I would want to be president during the cushy years, once the economy settles down or there are no more massive natural disasters. Oh, wait. That’s never.)

So, in the realization that I’m neglecting the satire part of my title in favor of the sex part of the title, I offer you a satirical letter from a rabid Obama supporter, either with a physical or mental age of 22, written to him as President, two years into his term in office.

Dear Mr. President,

I’m your biggest fan. I campaigned for you back in 2008, joined a telephone calling center, and wore my support t-shirt every Saturday when I went to the mall. I also contributed to your campaign fund and booed Hilary when she came to my town to give a speech.

What I really loved about your campaign was your concrete message of hope and change. I, too, wanted change and I had reason to hope that you could make America a better place. Plus, I loved the fact that you always stayed positive and didn’t sink to the Clinton level of mud-slinging. (Except for a couple of times, and that one time that you commented on her suit.)

So, after you won the election I was excited! I had an election party and we were all cheering and hugging when you were elected. It was terrific!

The reason that I am writing to you now is a little embarrassing, because I know that you are still our saint of hope and change! But, well, I was just wondering when that change might become more visible.

The troops are still in Iraq, even though there are less of them.

The economy had that brief, exciting bump after you were elected, but you’ll understand my surprise when I realized that just by electing you the value of the dollar didn’t raise everywhere. I thought Europe and Asia would be more excited about your victory, and cut us some slack, but no.

Where is our health care plan? I guess I didn’t realize that you would have to compromise so much with Congress (they suck, by the way, for not supporting change). I also didn’t think it would take this long. Could you hurry it up? Because I need to go to the dentist, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have coverage for root canals.

Also, I’ve noticed that there are still a lot of items from China on our store shelves. Didn’t you have some plan to balance trade with them? What happened?

Plus, there’s still racism. It totally hasn’t gone away just because you were elected. I thought we could all get over it, but apparently some people still think that things are unequal. Weird.

I guess I’m just writing to say that I thought that there would be MORE change. It kinda seems like you are only human, and that you’re struggling to get all the things you promised to do accomplished. Just like every other president we’ve ever elected. But, I thought that you, Mr. President, would be different.

Oh, and the environment is still a problem. Are you working on that?

I mean, what are you doing all day? Just sitting around in your office writing another memoir?

I don’t mean to sound angry or anything, but you told us things would be a lot different and so far, I haven’t noticed a huge change.

In fact, I hope that you can do all the things we thought you could do before the next election, because otherwise I’m going to have to vote for another change. Maybe the next candidate for change will really be able to do something.

I hope so.

Sincerely,

M. Smith

President of the Optimists Club

Email Filters and Politics

I just had to put a blocking filter onto my gmail account.

Since the start of the political season (when, oh, when will the rhetoric of ‘change’ and ‘hope’ end?), I have gotten, on average, at least two or three forwarded diatribes per week. Sometimes, on a bad day, per hour.

The subject lines usually have a forward in them, so I know to be wary. The subject line reads something like:

• “Inspirational!!!”, “You have to see this!”, “This is incredible and moving!” (This for the nonsensical, b-list celebrity filled, “yes, we can” music/speech video for Obama. If I wanted celebrities to run the world, I’d elect them. Oh, wait, I live in California, don’t I? Hmm. . . )
• “Hillary, sweet Hillary” (This about all the Clinton scandals while he was in the white house. Basically accuses them of being murderers. Remember Vince Foster’s suicide? If I commit suicide, I sure hope they accuse some of my friends of murder, because some of them really suck. They don’t buy me enough stuff by far.)
• “Personalities of Past Presidents” (This is about how an air force pilot of the AF1 remembers all the past presidents he has ferried around on duty. Surprise! All the democratic candidates are horrible people, but especially Hillary. She’s a bitch! She’s horrible! She secretly has teeth in her vagina!)
• “Too funny!” “Too true!” “Sadly, too true” (This is usually about an email generally panning either the democrats or the republicans, and making fun of their values, calling them crazy, etc. If I thought that these weren’t compiled by compete nutters, then I might take them more seriously. But, my guess is, they are more ‘fiction’ than ‘fact’. But, on the other hand, people seem to prefer easy fiction when it comes to choosing their presidents anyway.)

Hillary takes the brunt of the anti emails. Barack has the majority of pro emails. Republicans who send me emails equally disparage both, but seem to hate Hillary more.

This barrage of emails, plus all of the political conversations I’ve either been involved in or overheard of late, has collectively made me sick-to-death of this presidential campaign. Sadly, I’m starting to hate everyone involved. I don’t want to vote for any of these clowns.

Why?

Because the results will be the same. Whoever is elected will in no way be able to immediately turn our economy around, the American Century is OVER (ever heard of a place called Asia?), and we will need someone who understands the middle ground (i.e. most of us who aren’t crazy in either direction and don’t make over 6 figures a year) in order to have any really ‘new’ policies. Let’s face it – politicians always need the help of other crappy politicians and businessmen in order to get anything accomplished. Them’s the rules. If you don’t like the rules, move to France and have great health care, great food, more time for sex, and a fashion sense. (I’m considering this as I type, except that my French sucks.)

But, honestly, people. STOP SENDING ME POLITICALLY-MINDED EMAILS. They make me crazy. “Quit my job and go live in the mountains  on the beach where I don’t have to see people anymore” crazy.

So, I’ve blocked you. You Republicans and Democrats and your mutual hate mongering.  You liberals with your 18-year-old sense of the future. You conservative with your 18th-century sense of the present. I’m done with all of you.

Which is why I’ve put a kibosh on any more forwards making it into my inbox. From now on, they will go straight to the trash, where they properly belong. I don’t want to read any more ‘facts’, or see any more corny videos, ‘kay?

That’s why I registered as ‘independent’ anyway, just to get away from you people. I’m serious about my ‘independent’ status, because I don’t really buy into either party’s bullshit. You know what I mean? Do I have to move to Vermont to get some peace? Do I?

And another thing – if Bloomberg runs, I’m voting for him. Just so you know. My mind is made up, so don’t send me any forwards about it.

Go, Hilary, Go!

I really think Hilary Clinton would be a great president. Basically, she’s been training for this moment her entire life. She’s been involved in government, politics, or public service her entire adult life (and by adult here, I actually mean over the age of 29). When she was first lady, she traveled around the world on a goodwill mission to help women, which exposed her to the international scene and how hard it is to get anything done – even when everyone agrees that something needs to be done and it’s a good cause.

Plus, she’s tough. Which is, I realize, why some women do not like her. Women are uber-competitive with each other and have been for eons. Basically, if Hilary shows too much emotion, then men will argue that she isn’t tough enough and not vote for her. I can just hear the complaints over PMS and how a woman would run the White House. However, if she’s too unemotional, women want to throw her under the proverbial bus. This is discounting, obviously, how much people just hate her for being Clinton’s wife; Republicans will never, ever like her.

However, one has to stop and ask the question why some Republicans are backing Obama. My own family, who is notoriously Republican, think he is better than Hilary because he is tougher on immigration issues. For those of you simply mesmerized by the continual chants of “change” and “non-establishment” while you stare at that nice smile, Obama actually has a fairly conservative record on immigration. Like thinking that the huge fence between us and Mexico is a good idea. Seriously. (I’m sure he would never admit this now, but there it is, staring back at him from the Congressional record.) I hate to admit this, but my family simply doesn’t like Mexican immigrants. I’m from farm country, and people don’t actually tend to think things through there, they react. My family members will look you in the eye and swear they are not racist and then, in the next minute, tell you something about “that Mexican down at the gas station”. For real. So, whomever tells you a polite, closeted racist wouldn’t vote for a black man, think again.

I digress.

Obama worries me. He is inexperienced, like it or not. Also, I’m suspicious of anyone that squeaky clean. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is that clean in Washington. Hence, my comments about his support of “the fence” around America. All this “change” talk leads us nowhere. “Change” is inevitable. Claiming that you are going to make it happen is somehow like promising to produce rain; eventually, rain just happens on its own and rain gurus everywhere are proud as peacocks that their predictions were correct.

Not that I don’t like the man, I do. I’m just exhausted by the rhetoric he’s using. And I honestly believe that Hilary would make a better policy president, get more done, and be more respected internationally. Countries in Europe (minus France, of course), countries in Asia, countries in South America – they have all had female heads of state. For all our talk about women’s rights, and I was born in the same year that Gloria Steinem started Ms. Magazine, we are seriously lacking on action.

If Hilary loses, which she might, I’m proud of her for the action. I’m proud of her for fighting the good fight.

George Eliot once wrote (and George is a woman, for all of you who don’t know that factoid):

“Any coward can fight a battle when he’s sure of winning, but give me the man who has pluck to fight when he’s sure of losing. That’s my way, sir; and there are many victories worse than a defeat.”