Dating Friends

11 01 2008

Have you ever noticed that finding friends in your adult life is a lot like dating when you were in your 20s?

First of all, you spend time thinking about what kind of “friend” you’d like to have. Artsy? Good conversationalist? A shopping buddy? Then, you start imagining the places you’ll have to go to meet that type of person. If you’re looking for a sports buddy, then you need to join a city league. If you’re into crafts, you take Intro to Knitting.

Once you find a potential friend, you have to begin the “dating” process. This amounts to scheduling your now precious time so that you can “hang out”. In college, finding friends was partially easy because you had a gluttony of options and all the freaking time in the world. After college, and especially after marriage and, god forbid, kids, your options are severely limited and so is your available time. You don’t want to mess up and spend 2 hours having coffee with a bore. Really, you don’t.

If the first “date” doesn’t go well, you say something nice about going out later in the week, and then you never ever call them or email them again. Oh, sure. It SOUNDS seedy, but you know you’ve done it. It’s just like when you went out on that date with Peter or Jane back in your single days and you promised you’d call them, you were going to check out that new Ben Stiller movie, but you never, ever did. Partly because you were unwilling to waste another single second of your life with someone you knew had no potential.

Now, if the first date goes well, you schedule the next date. But, you can’t be too pushy. People have lives, after all, and you don’t want to seem desperate. You’re not a wack job – you’re just new to the city.

The second date is usually more intimate. Dinner, a movie, drinks, shopping.

After this, it gets complicated. The more you go out with a new friend, the more you are bound up with them and the stranger it will seem if you suddenly decide that you don’t want to be “good friends”. Tread carefully! Think twice about that plan to work out or play golf on Sunday. You could be getting yourself into something too deep, too fast.

Occasionally, it’s also OK to break up with a friend. Maybe you just don’t see eye-to-eye anymore. Maybe you’ve both grown apart. Maybe it just isn’t fun anymore to hang out with them. Go ahead, prune that branch of the friendship tree. You can either stop returning phone calls and emails, or be blunt. (Me, I’m not so good with the blunt unless I’m drunk. I’m like that crazy stripper on Bad Girls season two who can’t get it together, drinks too much, and throws a drink in someone’s face.)

All of this is inspired by the following video, which is HY-sterical.

from www.funnyordie.com posted with vodpod





Crazy little thing called love

20 04 2006

I’m in the midst of reading Alain de Botton’s Essays in Love and just finished reading Love: A polemic. Reading each one has, in its own way, made me question the entire “culture of love” that exists. While reading, especially de Botton, I kept laughing out loud. And I was laughing out loud because the stories/anecdotes resonated with me. How there are predictable stages to things, how chimerical the object of one’s affection becomes, how (borrowing from de Botton’s words) we are all predisposed to love so that it comes as no surprise when we eventually discover an object for our desires.

I am cynic. And perhaps, as de Botton suggests, we tend to fall the hardest. Why? Because we want to suspend the disbelief, even momentarily. We want to put down the heavy burden of seeing through people and discovering the not-so-nice truths about them. That for brief spans, we are all willing to be blinded by love. Cynics the most of all.

I laugh because it’s true and I know it.

In my bedroom, appropriately enough under my bed, I keep a box with various scraps of mementos. High school yearbook, college diploma, my old baby book, cards from friends, photographs, trinkets, baubles, other things too precious to see or to use for fear of losing them. Occasionally, I sift through it and force myself to throw things out. I call it the purge session and it always makes me feel better.

On a recent go-through, I realized that I have at least one hand-written note from every significant lover or love I’ve ever had and the one thing that strikes me is that the word “love” is a very tricky thing. There it sits, neatly or haphazardly scrawled across the bottom of cards and notes, in some cases a full ten years after it was written. If something is true when written, and then fades like the ink it was written in, is it any less true ten years on? Somehow, does the word lose its meaning when we stop caring about those who wrote it and vice versa? Or, as Proust might suggest, do all of us still contain a version of the person still in love with a long-gone love of old? If a time/space continuum opened up right now and transported me back, I’m fairly certain that I would come face to face with my old self still madly in love with my first real boyfriend. Here’s my question, then – would the now version of me see all the flaws?

Would I scoff at myself? Try to tell myself how insane I was acting? How it was all going to end badly?

The truth of it is, and I’ve always known this about myself, I’m still half-in-love with all of those lovely boys and men I’ve ever loved. Partially because each one of them had something untouchable that made them unique and I got to know it and those things do not change over time. Partially, however, because I am still in love with the concept of love.

And aren’t we all?

Even in the midst of this breakdown of my marriage, with divorce getting closer on the horizon each passing day, I still have some sort of suicidal hope that I can find a meaningful connection. Why? I guess because I have come close before, which gives me hope that life is a neverending opportunity to get to know other human beings and just possibly find one that might love you back. In the meantime, I carry on.

But the raw truth is this: that a part of me has known that love is a mirage my entire life.

A part of me is like Estella in Dickens’ Great Expectations. For all the affection I have doled out, I don’t know if I’ve ever really been in love with someone before. I’ve come close, but I’ve never trusted anyone enough to let them hurt me. And I mean really hurt me. I’ve always been able to walk away, like Elizabeth Bishop (the poet) tells us – losing isn’t that hard an art to master.

And now?

I’m reading and writing poetry again. So what does that tell you?





Chapter Seventeen – in Cambodia

26 02 2006

The end of June and I have already been in Hong Kong six months. A 29-year-old Indonesian maid contracted Japanese encephalitis from a mosquito bite while working for a Chinese family in the new territories. The disease is so rare that it makes the front page. After testing the family she worked for, the authorities found no other cases.

The weather is so hot and steamy that standing outside you sweat. While waiting for the shuttle bus, I am stationary for less than three minutes. The stop is just outside the main doors of the apartment complex, shaded by a marble awning and surrounded by trees, low bushes and flowering shrubs.

I have my workbook on Chinese measure words and am pouring over it, trying to memorize various characters and sound out new sentences. As I am reading, I shift my weight from side to side and lift each foot off of the ground as if I am marching in place. Left, right, left, right. It is rhythmic and helps me concentrate on the musical sounding pronunciations and rhythms of the language.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a team of three gardeners. Each is wearing a bright orange shirt with green colored pants and white canvas sneakers. They wear straw hats tied round their chins with bright fabric and protective gloves. On their faces, they don white surgical masks. One of them, the only male, is dragging a large plastic barrel on a trolley. The other two are helping to push it from behind. Attached to the plastic canister is a long, white spraying hose which the man occasionally stops to use. He sprays the bushes and into the trees. They slowly make their way around the perimeter of the grounds, the hose hissing as it sprays a light mist of liquid.

I assume it is insecticide they are spraying. The masks and gloves suggest that it is a fairly strong concoction. It is too hot to be wearing so much clothing and I wonder if they like their job.

Once the bus pulls up and I climb aboard, I notice that I have five small round bumps on the skin of my calves. Despite the spraying, I have been bitten.

Half-seriously and half-jokingly, I have been warning my friends about dengue fever. There has been a report that mosquitoes that harbor the disease are at an all-time high. Though no cases have been reported, the government is seriously worried about the tightening circle of disease surrounding us. Already in remotes areas of Cambodia, Thailand, and the Philippines, the disease is endemic. They are frightened that it might become endemic in the city. There is talk of a major mosquito eradication campaign.

Dengue fever is no picnic. Though almost everyone recovers from the onslaught of the bone-racking pain and fever, if caught a second time it is 50 percent more likely to cause death.

Japanese encephalitis is much worse. Not only does it cause extreme discomfort and a very serious condition, it kills up to one-third of those it infects. While still in New York, I went to a travel medicine clinic to be vaccinated for everything that the doctor could think of – ironically everything except for Japanese encephalitis. I am susceptible.

“No need,” the immunity specialist had told me. “Hong Kong doesn’t have it. It won’t be a problem.”

“I can always get it later,” I said, agreeing. “If I need to.”

“Besides, you want to stay away from mosquito bites in Southeast Asia anyway,” the specialist said. “There’s no prevention for dengue fever and malaria is rife as well.”

“I can always take anti-malarials.”

“Yes,” the specialist replied. “But if you’re like some of my patients, you won’t like some of the side effects.”

“Which are?”

“Severe headaches, bad nightmares, insomnia,” she said and listed each one out on a fingertip. Then she smiled and added, “Plus, if you’re really lucky, they can sometimes, though very rarely, cause psychotic episodes or breaks. Especially if there’s a family history of mental problems.”

“Just what I need,” I said, smiling back at her. “I think I’ll just stick with some serious bug spray.”

“Suit yourself.”

***

The ancient Cambodians had three ways of dealing with their dead. The first involved burning the body and burying the ashes. The second, a makeshift wooden raft was constructed and the body would be placed upon it and floated out on the lake. Finally, since they were surrounded by dense forest teeming with life, the relatives of the deceased would carry the body far out into the surrounding jungle and simply leave it there, unburied, to decompose naturally. As we are bumping down the road, headed for the elephant terrace, I am looking out the car window at a row of smaller temples thinking that I might prefer the last choice.

We have been in Cambodia for only a day and my senses are overwhelmed. Temples rise out of the greenery at scattered points throughout the countryside. In addition to the famous main temple complex of Ankor Wat, there are tens, hundreds of smaller sites in the area. In the past, the entire place must have been filled with people and wealth.

The dark sedan we are riding in pulls to a stop under a shade tree. As we pop out from the back seat, we are accosted by an array of children selling postcards, bracelets, hand-carved wooden toys, woven straw placemats. Each one insists that we buy something. When we smile and shake our heads no, they change tactic. Maybe we only need one thing? But if we do, then we must buy from only them. It is impossible, even if we were interested in purchasing something, to decide from whom to buy. The children are identical in dress, stature, and health. In other words, they are all equally poor.

One boy’s smile is a bit brighter than the others. Instead of smiling for us, he seems to be merely smiling for himself. The top of his head doesn’t even come up to my shoulder. I have to lean my head down a bit to answer him or to listen. His feet are bare and he takes inordinately big strides to keep up with me.

“Where you from?”

“U.S.”

“The capital of the U.S. is Washington, D.C.” He says this matter-of-factly, as if he is showing off at a school competition, rather than trying to sell me trinkets or souvenirs.

I notice that his white-striped shirt is unbuttoned and his smooth, brown-colored skin is gleaming from sweat. His hair is cut short and when he smiles, his teeth appear as white as an ad for teeth whitener. Despite myself, I cannot help warming to him a little.

“That’s good,” I say.

Encouraged, he tries something else. “The U.S. has 285 million people.”

“Wow, that’s more than I know. You must be the best at your school.”

He doesn’t really understand me. I wonder if he goes to school at all, or if this is his full-time occupation. If I buy something from him, will his parents be pleased?

“The capital of Maine is Bangor,” he says brightly.

I am impressed. Some Americans wouldn’t know that fact. If pressed, I would have had to think about it for a moment.

“You buy from me when you get back.”

I smile at him. Trying to give him a false promise, I steer myself away from him and follow closer to our guide, Mr. Choeun.

“You buy only from me, okay?” he asks, still smiling.

He is still asking the same question as his voice fades into the background. The children are not allowed to go into the attractions. I don’t know this for certain, but because they never follow us, I assume that they have been warned from hassling the tourists too much while they are visiting official sites.

“Does anyone ever get bothered by this?” my husband asks as he pulls up the rear.

Choeun shakes his head and laughs a little.

“Oh, no,” he says, “most people understand. It took me awhile to get used to it, but now I don’t mind.”

We follow him up some stone stops to the top of the terrace. Since I am directly behind him, I am following his footsteps exactly. He must know which stones are better for holding our weight. Rundown, some of these sites are a bit dangerous – loose rocks, sections falling away, no guardrails, steep steps.

“Children here are very lucky,” Choeun tells us. “Siem Reap is lucky to have a free children’s hospital. Free treatment for diseases.”

“You have a problem with malaria here, right?”

He turns his round face and looks at me with his dark eyes. His large eyes are so dark that the white part of them are almost light tan in color. As he talks, he often uses his hands to communicate. His English is excellent, but he makes good use of his gestures to help us to understand.

“Oh, yes,” he says, waving his hand all around him, “malaria is very bad. Also the diarrhea sickness kills many. I think that one in eight or ten children die.”

Standing on the side of the terrace are two small children. As we pass them, they stare up at us. Unlike all the other children we have seen, they aren’t holding anything for us to purchase. For a moment, I think that they will beg from us instead, but they do not. They are just looking. Their eyes are dark and almost vacant, as if they have no thoughts at all or do not know what to think. The truth is probably that they do not know how or what to think about us – two stark, white people with new-looking clothes and sneakers, snapping digital pictures and talking in a foreign language.

When we have gotten a few feet beyond the children, one of them says a faltering, “Hello.” The word is spoken hesitantly, as if it is being tried out for the first time. It is also vaguely hopeful.

It makes me stop to wonder whether or not I am still hopeful. As a person, I feel as though every word I speak sounds like the child’s greeting. I am uncertain, vague, almost terrified. And there is hunger inside of me. Even still, it is an indistinct craving for something I cannot possibly name.

We stop at the edge of the elephant terrace and look around. It is a grand, commanding view. Behind us lies the old king’s quarters. The only thing left of them is a high stone wall adjacent to the terrace.

“The king would come out here every morning,” Choeun explains. “To watch military processions or to meet diplomats from other countries.”

“Must have been quite a sight,” my husband says, his hands resting on his hips.

Choeun points to a large stone structure just to the side of the king’s platform. Square-shaped, it rises higher than the terrace and has intricate carvings on all its sides. But none of elephants.

“That is the leper king’s terrace,” Choeun says. “That is where they would cremate the kings. They would burn the body on top and then keep the ashes within the walls.”

“Appropriate name,” my husband replies. Then he begins asking Choeun something about the current political situation of Cambodia, about its current king, the recent Khmer Rouge years, and how Choeun thinks things are progressing. As they talk under the hot, early afternoon sun, I drift off.

I look at the Terrace of the Leper King and ponder how the king could walk out of his home everyday to attend to state business and look upon the place where he would ultimately be burned. Each morning, he was the king. And yet on his left were presumably the remains of other, just as powerful, kings. A constant reminder of his own ultimate insignificance directly adjacent to the symbols of his ultimate rule.

How did it measure up? Did he ever look out of the corner of his eye and catch a glimpse of the fire that would consume him? Did it humble him or embolden him to think of his own death? Did it make for bold action? Perhaps Ankor Wat was merely a testament to the power of having death as a constant shadow over life. It pushed the king to create an empire, to leave something in his wake, to construct some of the most ornate and beautiful structures in the world.

Alternatively, maybe it was a spiritual gamble. Maybe constructing grand temples was a way to ease his own mind. As king, he wanted to be remembered, but surely he was also bribing his gods to let him into whatever heaven there was for him. Perhaps an early tribute to insure a good reincarnation.

What was it about ancient cultures that made them so good at living with the dead? Were they simply much stronger than us, capable of long, contemplative gazes at something we, as their descendents, no longer care to see at all? Their death was on their left, a living presence in their daily life. Our death is a murky shadow, a ghost that we attempt to keep directly behind us at all times in order not to see it clearly. But what is more terrifying? Looking at it, carving out its beauty – or hiding it away in hospitals, in cleverly disguised funeral parlors, or in nursing homes?

I stop myself from jumping down from the terrace to get closer to the Leper King and watch my husband chatting with our guide. He is different than me; death is not something he thinks about at all. He is more concerned with life as it is being lived. In the car of life, he is looking ahead with an occasional glance in the rear-view mirror. I am in the backseat with my face pressed up against the window, forever looking back.

***

Hong Kong Observatory has just issued a Tropical Storm Warning – Level 8. In layman’s terms, we are about to come between a typhoon and the mainland. I have been through loads of storms. From the Midwest, I am used to tornado warnings and violent thunderstorms. When I was in New York, I even suffered through a low-level hurricane. But I have never seen a typhoon and I have to admit I am nervous.

People have been instructed to go home, to stay indoors. In our apartment building, the management staff slipped some “typhoon instructions” under our doors. Apparently, it is a good idea to seal off any gaps in the windows, move any furniture away from the side of the apartment facing the harbor, and place strong adhesive tape across the big bay windows. I have done none of this, partially because I do not have any special tape. And I am not about to go out looking for some now.

I am unprepared.

Outside the window, it is the calm before the storm. The clouds are rushing past at quick speeds, as if I were watching a speeded up film of the sky. The cloud cover changes from ominously dark to so light that it almost seems that the sun might break through. The wind is constant. Looking down from the 37th floor to the poolside below, I can see the palm trees blowing violently. The entire city is hushed and hesitant. We are all waiting silently and patiently for it to begin.

I almost don’t breathe at all. My nerves are a little jittery and I am acting like a seven-year-old child before her birthday. I am anxious to see the storm, to see what kind of power can be unleashed by nature, but I am also scared to witness it. Not for the first time, I feel closer to another godlike realm here. Perched at the top of the city, I feel the electricity in the air. It is exhilarating.

My husband called me from the office to say that he is headed home. The shuttle bus back to our building has discontinued service. As I watch the winding road that snakes behind the trees below, I can’t even see any red cabs. He has told me he will probably just walk home. It is only twenty minutes and the serious winds haven’t started yet. Still, it makes me a bit worried. I don’t like the idea of him getting caught out in a sudden storm burst. But there is nothing that I can do about it. There are very few other options.

As I wait for him, I busy myself with small household chores.

There is something strange about waiting for a storm to pass over you. It feels like waiting for death to brush past your skin and blow you a kiss. In a storm, there is no telling.






On Divorce

6 08 2005

Ugh. Such an ugly word. Partially because when you get married you have “happily ever after” ringing in your ears and you’re certain that you couldn’t possibly end up on the wrong side of the 50% bracket. Divorce is for other people. Silly people. People who just don’t have it together like you do, right?

Wrong.

Now I get it. There is just absolutely, 100%, no way to tell what it’s like to be married before you are married. And, like it or not, people DO change. In fact, change is the name of the game, isn’t it? If not, we’d all still be living in our parents’ house, eating bags of Doritoes while watching MTV, and stuck in some horrendous math class.

Instead, we’ve all graduated, have jobs, careers, wives, husbands, kids, dogs, cats, cars, houses, aging parents – in other words – RESPONSIBILITIES. Another ugly word at least a full half of us wasn’t prepared for. It’s quite a shock to wake up one day and realize that you are in your 30s and supposedly a “nearing middle aged” ADULT. Yikes. Doesn’t sound too pretty, does it? Not to me, anyway.

How does it all go haywire anyway? And I don’t necessarily just mean the marriages. When did life stop being an fun adventure on the roller coaster and start being more like a ride through a haunted house? When did I round that imperceptible corner into the “downhill” phase of my life? I still feel really young and like I have everything ahead of me. So why is it that the prospect of being a divorcee at 34 makes me shake in my birkenstocks? Why do I suddenly feel as though my future is dwindling?

Does everyone go through this? Is it forced on us by the media? How do we get the images of what we were supposed to be like at this age out of our heads?

Here in Asia, divorce is just starting to take hold. People would still rather eke it out with someone they don’t particularly like just to have some “security.” Which means money, if you’re a woman, and a nurse for your old age, if you’re a man. It’s strange how all the illusions of romantic love really haven’t gotten their hooks into the culture here yet. When you talk to people about relationships, they stare at you with that “have you gone mental?” look on their faces. It just isn’t an issue here – at least not in the same Jerry Springer type of way it is in the US. People might hate the way their spouse breathes and secretly hope they fall down a flight of steps, but you’d never hear about it. Oh, they constantly joke about bickering with their wives/husbands, but that is the RULE, not the exception. You’re not supposed to love your mate in a Hollywood way. That’s our own particular brand of nonsense and they’re not buying into it.

As much as I have tried to make this marriage a success, it just isn’t. That’s the bald-face truth of it. Yesterday we got into it because I corrected his usage of “jaded” – which he took to mean tired and I explained was more like “wisened with bad experiences.” Par example, I am now JADED when it comes to marriage and love. Instead of saying that he was annoyed by me making fun of him a little, he pushed my buttons. Instead of just taking that in stride, I let him and started a bigger argument. End result? He was yelling in the middle of the street and left me with two 20-pound bags of cat litter to carry home. In the end, maybe because I was crying, he caught up with me and helped me home. Then I had to admit what I’ve known all along – this just isn’t WORKING.

So, that’s it, I guess. Somehow we’re going to try to live with each other for another year so that I can finish my Chinese studies. Maybe we can at least salvage something to be friends. To be honest, we’re not really that great of friends anyway. So maybe we can just learn to become friends.

It’s funny how things change. Slowly, over time, love just drains out of a thing like water out of a leaky bathtub. No matter how full, warm and inviting the bath was in the beginning, if you don’t keep adding hot water or learn to fix the leak, you will be left cold and shivering in an inch of water. And that’s what we did. We enjoyed that awesome bath to the fullest – but paid so little attention to the water leaking. In the beginning, at least we kept adding hot water to keep our love lukewarm. Now, we can’t even do that. We’re sitting in an empty tub arguing about how it got that way. And it makes me so sad that I can’t even believe it. How empty I feel.





Life History – Romantic Ponderings

22 07 2005

Does anyone ever really forget a lost love?

As I age, I realize that I’ve logged in a lot of relationships over a relatively short span of time. All seemingly characterized by intense, fiery trajectories that ultimately end in the same way – burnout. That and I have a long string of “potential relationships that never were.” I find that I think about both types with the same frequency, which leads me to the question of whether or not everyone lives with a certain amount of remebrance or nostalgia about people they once used to know.

Now I once said, quite accurately I believe, that I am already nostalgic about the future. Meaning that I almost never appreciate anyone or anything until they are a mere speck on my rearview mirror. Why this is, I have never really figured out. Unless of course it’s always been about the all-too-human ability to erase “reality” and install it with a filtered version of “what we like to remember.”

For the life of me, I can’t remember why I ever broke up with Joe. Except for timing. Bad timing. Now for certain, Becky, my best friend at the time, would tell you categorically that there were many other, bigger, reasons for our relationship’s demise. For one, he was a devout Catholic and I had had – gasp! – more than 3 sexual partners by the tender age of 20. To him, three was the acceptable number. I lied through my teeth and doubled that for 6, still a drastic lowball of the actual number. When I finally told him the truth, it forever discolored who I was for him. To this day, he’s still teaching at the same school – not 20 minutes from where we grew up – and probably thinks I’m the biggest slut in the world. Sometimes I wonder if he ever remembers me at all, or when and if he does, if he thinks nice things or rather uncomplimentary things.

But, as we are all wont to do, I have replaced the “Joe” I knew for an idealistic version of “Joe,” one that I might have married and had kids with.

Sometimes I also go back through the men I’ve known and try to picture myself married to them. I do this even with the gay men I know – heaven only knows why. I think maybe it’s because I’m trying to vanquish the thought of a “perfect” person out there, surreptitiously placed in my subconcious by all the damn media images I used to swallow whole as a child and teenager. That in the end, relationships really are about work.

I had a semi-revelatory moment the other night on the town with my new Korean and Japanese girlfriends. The Korean, at one year younger than me, has already been married and divorced. Now she is in another relationship with a man much older than her and she is hesitant to make another mistake. But she also told me that she has learned a thing or two through her divorce – that even if it was a good idea to marry someone, you might find out it’s not a good idea to stay married to them forever. That we all change and the person you married 10 years ago might look basically the same, but be forever different. And then what? What if you don’t love them anymore? What if they drive you crazy? What then?

So maybe marriage isn’t the best idea for people in the modern age. After all, 100 years ago marriages didn’t last all that long due to early death rates. Now we are all staring down maybe 50 years with the same person doing the same annoying things to drive you insane. Or doing the same things you love. Probably a mixture of the two.

Occasionally, I still have dreams where I am reunited with past loves. We’re dating again and I’m happy this time around, everything is near perfect. And then, sometimes, I have dreams about people I’ve loved from afar and we finally, miraculously, get it together and it’s just how I imagined it to be – good and bad. And then, of course, I have the stray odd dream where I’m dating Ashton Kuschner or the blond kid from cheesy show One Tree Hill.

Hell, once I even dreamed about dating Tony Curtis. But before you call the sanatorium, don’t worry, it was the 1950s version.

I guess that in the end, the fantasy really is better than the reality. The men I still love the most are those that were close to me but that I never had the chance to be intimate with – go figure. And the men that were pure fantasy to begin with.